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Sick pizza reviews,” she wrote. “Thanks fly bitch,” Portnoy responded. She was a 20-year-old college student at the time, Portnoy a 43-year-old multimillionaire.

The conversation soon moved to Snapchat and text. But than the unthinkable happened…

I went to Miami this weekend to blow off steam with some friends. And by blow off steam, I mean blow the coke off the hairless, silicon-stuffed cheeks and bleached 2-holes of Cuban hookers.

The weather was disappointingly cool, but the streets shimmered with heat. Collins Avenue was jammed with bronzed, muscle-bound beefcakes sporting spaghetti tanks with low-cut sides that allowed this discerning, hungry voyager to see what sort of nipples were in play.